I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
