I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
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