like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I deserve this hangover.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
