I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
