hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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