Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My ass is underappreciated
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
