Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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