Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
