Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
