just come out here and I will go home with you...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
