i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
