so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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