She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
