I just found puke in my bra..
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
