just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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