Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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