A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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