I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
We need to rekindle our bromance
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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