I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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