On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
