My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
