I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
