I hope mine doesn't look like that
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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