the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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