Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
