How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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