There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Its about making memories worth repressing
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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