Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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