i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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