This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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