I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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