p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
