Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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