I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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