You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Randomize
