According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
i now understand why vodka
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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