I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
i need some magic done to my vagina
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
