Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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