I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
