You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
