His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
