Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
