I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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