I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
