i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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