He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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