He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
