She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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