My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
