If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
