he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize