i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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