The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize