My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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