At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
50% drunk capacity currently
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
