i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
