I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
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someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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